


Saiya-Jin School

by Debs-Dragon (ShenLong)



Series: Pre-schooler Arc [1]
Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Gen, Humor, destruction of Kids TV shows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-13
Updated: 2018-11-09
Packaged: 2019-08-01 12:23:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16284548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShenLong/pseuds/Debs-Dragon
Summary: Mayhem ensues when Goku volunteers himself and Vegeta to host a popular children's TV show.(Fic 1 in the Pre-schooler Arc)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was discussing T.V. shows with friends when the idea for this fic was born. I somehow got to wondering just what would happen if the DBZ guys were suddenly thrust into a totally different scene.... the following is the result of my warped imagination and watching kids television....
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own the guys from DBZ... strange that......  
> Also I don't own Play School, Humphrey or fat cat either. I do, however, have a fat dog of my own if that's any help ....
> 
> Written Nov 2001 - originally archived at the Dragonball Diaries web site
> 
> __________________________________________________________________________________________

*Play School Music springs up* 

"Theres a bear in there........... and 2 saiya-jins as well.  
There's Goku with games and Vegeta's stories of hell.  
Roll on up.... Step inside.... It's Saiya-jin School......."

Camera comes into focus, Vegeta and Goku are standing in a studio. Goku smiles and waves at the camera.

Goku: "Hello there boys and girls."

Vegeta scowls and folds his arms.

Goku: "I'm Goku and this is Vegeta."

Vegeta: "Humph!"

Goku: "Now be nice and say hello to all the boys and girls out there."

Vegeta: (growls) "Hello."

Goku: (frowns at Vegeta) "I suppose that will do."

Vegeta: "I really don't care."

Goku: "Let's take no notice of Mr. Grumpy children. Now, do you know what day it is?"

Camera swings across to another part of the studio where there is a large drawing on the wall of the universe with planets, stars and suns etc all dotting it. Goku walks over and removes Saturn's 'rings' to reveal......

Goku: "Tuesday. Today is Tuesday in Saiya-jin school boys and girls."

Vegeta: "Are you sure?"

Goku: "What do you mean?"

Vegeta: "Well, how do you know for sure that it's Tuesday?"

Goku: "Because that's what the sign says."

Vegeta: "The sign could be lying."

Goku: "Huh?"

Vegeta: "Someone could have put Tuesday up there just to confuse us."

Goku scratches his head.

Vegeta: "For all we know it could be Friday."

Goku: "Hmmm. But who would want to do a thing like that to us?"

Vegeta: "Could be any one of thousands. Kami knows we have enough enemies!"

Goku: "Speak for yourself!"

Vegeta: "Well I don't believe it's Tuesday."

Goku: "Well I do. The sign says so!"

Vegeta: (sighs) "That's your problem, Kakarott, you're too trusting."

Goku: "Can we please just get on with this show?"

Vegeta: "If you really must, but I'm sure I would be checking out exactly what day it is before going any further."

Goku: "I really don't see that what day of the week it is is going to have a lot of influence on what we do."

Vegeta: "Yes it will."

Goku: "How?"

Vegeta: "You're saying it's Tuesday which is pets day in Saiya-jin school. Now if it's really Thursday, then that's dress up day, so how can we play with the pets if all we have is dress up clothes?"

Goku: "Errr... I think I follow you. How about we play it by ear and say that it's Tuesday and then see what we have to play with."

Vegeta: "I suppose we could."

Goku: "Thank you. Now that we have that sorted out, let's see.... What do we normally do on a Tuesday in Saiya-jin school, children?"

Goku moves across the 'set' followed by Vegeta . They stop at a table that has a 'mouse house' and a bird cage on it.

Goku: "See I told you it was Tuesday."

Vegeta: "Lucky guess if you ask me."

Goku: "Why don't you just relax, let go of the hostility and enjoy yourself, Vegeta?"

Vegeta: "What?! And spoil my image?! I don't think so."

Goku: "Well it's up to you."

Goku walks up to the mouse house and lifts the lid.

Goku: "Tuesdays on Saiya-jin school is pets day, isn't it Vegeta?"

Vegeta: "Humph...."

Goku: "Of course it is. So let's say hello to Minnie and Mickey."

Goku reaches in to the mouse house and lifts out a white mouse.

Goku: "Hello there, Minnie."

Vegeta: "Wrong!"

Goku: "Pardon?"

Vegeta: "That's Mickey."

Goku: "No it isn't."

Vegeta: "Look Kakarott, I think I have been around enough vermin in my time to know the difference between Mickey and Minnie."

Goku goes to lift the mouse's tail.

Vegeta: (smacks head) "NO! No! No!"

Goku: "What are you going on about?"

Vegeta: "That's not how you tell. Minnie is the one wearing the pink bow."

Goku: (scratches head) "Heh, heh, heh, so it is."

Goku puts Mickey back into the house and lifts out Minnie, another white mouse, but this one is wearing a pink bow around its neck.

Goku: "Hello, Minnie."

Minnie: "Squeak.... squeak....."

Goku: "Now children, as you know pets need more than just playing with. They need to be cleaned out, fed and watered..."

Vegeta: "OW!!!!"

Camera swings around to Vegeta who is sucking on a finger.

Vegeta: "The rotten sod bit me!"

Goku: (suppressing a smile) "That's unusual. They are normally quite friendly."

Vegeta gingerly puts his hand back into the mouse house.

Vegeta: (wheedles) "Come here you rotten little rodent."

Goku: (coughs and mutters under breath) "We are being watched by lots of youngsters, Vegeta."

Vegeta: (hisses) "I don't care, if this rat knows what's good for it then it wil... Ow!! Shit!"

Vegeta pulls his hand out from the mouse house with Mickey firmly attached to his index finger.

Goku: (giggles) "Now boys and girls, you all know that you shouldn't pick mice up by their teeth."

Vegeta is in the background trying to remove Mickey from his finger.

Vegeta: "Last warning mouse, Let go or you will be history."

The mouse looks at Vegeta and then with a squeak lets go, drops to the floor and high tails it out of the studio.

Goku: "Oh. So where did Mickey go?"

Vegeta: "As far away from me as he can get if he has any brains."

Goku places Minnie back into the house.

Goku: "Never mind, Minnie, I'm sure Mickey will be back very soon."

Vegeta: "Not if the cat gets him first."

Goku: "But we don't have a cat."

Vegeta: "We do now."

Vegeta points to where a rather large orange tabby cat is sitting.

Goku: "Where did that come from?"

Vegeta: "I have no idea."

Goku: "Well it has got to go. We can't run the risk of Mickey getting caught by that cat."

Vegeta: "Oh, I think it could be quite entertaining."

Goku: "Well I don't."

Vegeta: "No you wouldn't Mr. Nice guy."

Goku: "Sticks and stones....."

Vegeta: "Yeah.. yeah...yeah.. We have heard it all before."

Goku: "Vegeta?"

Vegeta: "Yes?"

Goku: "You didn't by chance let the cat in here did you?"

Vegeta: "Who me? Now why would you think I would do something like that for?"

Goku: "'Cause it's the sort of thing you would do."

Vegeta: (scowls and folds arms) "Well, for your information, Mr. Goody Two Shoes, this time you are wrong. I didn't let in that fat orange cat wearing red pants and a stupid hat with candy striped socks and overgrown feet."

Suddenly the studio door bursts open and in rush a group of 'trendy' looking Channel 7 employees.

Vegeta: "What the???"

Ch 7 Employees: "Hey, you haven't seen a fat orange cat with red pants, stripey socks, funny hat and yellow shoes anywhere, have you?"

Vegeta: (points) "That him?"

Ch7 employees: "Yes, Thanks. Do you mind if we take him?"

Vegeta: "Feel free."

The Channel 7 employees all jump on the orange cat who fights back valiantly but never utters a word. Subdued, they manage to drag him away.

Ch 7 Member: "Thanks, mate. After Humphrey got the chop I'm afraid our Fat Cat kinda took it really hard and, well you know the story.. One day you're the King of the world then the next thing you know you're sunk."

Vegeta: "Yeah, tell me about it."

The Channel 7 crew leave taking Fat Cat with them. Vegeta sighs and turns back to Goku who is standing wide eyed and mouth open.

Vegeta: "You're catching flies, Kakarott".

Goku: "Err... well... I guess I'm sorry for thinking bad things about you, Vegeta."

Vegeta: "Yeah, well, I'm kinda used to it."

Cameraman: "If you two have quite finished we have a show to do."

Goku: "Oh yes... sorry."

Goku and Vegeta move back towards the pets 'set'

Goku: "Now boys and girls, as I was saying before, pets need to be cleaned out, fed and watered."

Vegeta: "So?"

Goku: "Say hello to Bobby, Vegeta."

Goku stands by a bird cage which has a blue budgie in it.

Vegeta: "Say what??"

Goku: "Vegeta this is Bobby, Bobby this is Vegeta."

Bobby: "Hello."

Vegeta: "It talks!"

Goku: "Now, if Vegeta will kindly look after Bobby I will show you how to clean out the bird cage."

Vegeta opens the cage door and puts his hand inside to 'catch' Bobby.

Bobby: "Squark! Pretty boy."

Vegeta gets hold of Bobby and brings him out of the cage.

Vegeta: (strokes feathers) "I didn't realize that birds were so soft."

Bobby: "Who's a pretty boy? chirp..."

Goku: "Birds make lovely pets don't you think, Vegeta?"

Vegeta: "Hmm they are kinda... ark!! You swine!"

Bobby sinks his beak into the ball of Vegeta's thumb drawing blood. Vegeta, in shock, opens his hand and Bobby flies off around the studio.

Goku: "Now look what you have done!"

Vegeta: (sucking thumb) "But... but.... but...."

Goku: "No buts. First you lose Mickey, then you take in a stray cat and now you let the bird go."

Vegeta: "But..but...but..."

Goku: "I suggest you catch Bobby while the boys, girls and I clean out the cage."

Vegeta sighs, rolls his eyes and looks around. He spots Bobby in the lighting part and levitates upwards.

Bobby: "Chirp... chirp..."

Vegeta: "Come to me you feathered fiend."

Goku: "Now children we take out the seed container and empty it out. Then refill it with fresh seed before putting it back into the cage."

*crash* *tinkle*

A couple of lights fall down and shatter on the studio floor. Goku ignores the noise. Vegeta is flying after one blue budgerigar.

Bobby: "Whistle, chirp, Who's a pretty boy?"

Vegeta: "Come here and say that."

Bird zooms past with Vegeta hot on its tail

Goku: "Then we take out the water container and give it a wash before refilling it and putting it back in the cage."

*smash*

A rack of lights hits the deck.

Bobby: "Chirp... Wha'cha doin'?"

Vegeta: "Trust me, when I get a hold of you, feathers will fly."

Goku ducks as Bobby dive bombs past followed by Vegeta in hot pursuit.

Goku: "Then we remove the tray from the base of the cage and empty the contents into the bin. We then put a fresh liner in and the cage is all clean and ready."

*thump* *bang* *crash*

Vegeta is still 'flying' after the wayward budgie.

Bobby: "Pretty boy... Pretty boy... who's a pretty boy."

Vegeta: "Just you wait."

Goku: "Vegeta, we are ready to put Bobby back into his cage now."

Vegeta: "Easy for you to say."

Goku: "Haven't you caught him yet?"

Vegeta: (folds arms, floats back to floor) "No."

Goku: "You mean to tell me that the all mighty, all powerful prince can't catch a little budgie?"

Vegeta: "I didn't say that I couldn't. I just said that at this point in time I haven't."

Goku: "Oh I see. There is a difference, is there?"

Vegeta: "Yes. Especially when said bird is determined to make a run for it. "

Goku; "And what gives you the idea that Bobby wants to escape?"

Vegeta: "Listen...."

Vegeta cocks his head towards Bobby who is sitting perched on top of the 'square' window.

Bobby: (chirps in tune to AC/DC) "Chirp... Jail break.... Jail break.... I'm gonna make a Jaaaiiilll break......."

Goku: "Okay who's the person who's been playing AC/DC and teaching him the lyrics???"

Cameraman, sound technician and producer all look around innocently.

Goku: "Hmm, I get it."

Vegeta: "Look, Kakarott, we have to catch this brainless bird before it can get out of here."

Bobby: "Chirp... chirp..."

Goku: "And just how are we going to do that?"

Vegeta: "I have an idea."

Vegeta quickly explains to Goku. Goku nods in response. Vegeta disappears off camera, Goku 'flies' towards the jailbird.

Goku: "Ready, Vegeta?"

Vegeta: "Ready."

Goku chases Bobby through the air, around the set, before finally herding him towards Vegeta. Suddenly.....

*Varooooommmm*

Vegeta fires up the industrial strength vacuum cleaner. Bobby screeches to a halt in mid flight, sees Vegeta coming towards him with the nozzle and back pedals rapidly.

Vegeta closes the gap. the hum of the suction can be heard getting louder. Bobby desperately tries to flee. Vegeta holds up the nozzle, the suction begins to draw Bobby in. Valiantly he beats his wings trying to escape the strong pull.

Bobby: "Squawk... squawk ark! It got me...."

With a slurp, whoomph, thunk, the vacuum sucks Bobby in. The bird gives one last rueful look before its head disappears up the tube. Vegeta turns the power off.

Goku: "Now boys and girls I don't suggest that you try this at home, remember, we are trained professionals. "

Vegeta: "Umm... Kakarott?"

Goku: "Yes, Vegeta?"

Vegeta: "We have a slight problem."

Goku: "Huh?"

Vegeta rummages around in the vacuum cleaner bag and extracts a rather limp Bobby.

Goku: (looks at Bobby then at Vegeta) "Well, boys and girls it's time for us to take a quick commercial break."

Vegeta: (hisses) "But this is Channel 2. We don't have commercials."

Goku: (whispers back and kicks Vegeta in the shins) "Shut up! We do now."

Vegeta: "Ow!!"

Goku: (smiles and waves) "We will be right back boys and girls."

* * *  
tbc...


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2

 

Goku: "Welcome back boys and girls, sorry about that unexpected break."

Vegeta: "Humph. It's alright for you to take a break when it suits you."

Goku: (ignores Vegeta) "As you can see we have Bobby the budgie safely back in his cage."

Camera swings around and shows bird cage with Bobby sitting very still on the perch. There's something not quite right with the bird.

Vegeta: "Who cares about the blasted budgie! Can we move on now?"

Goku: "Sure we can, Vegeta."

Goku moves across the set followed by Vegeta who accidentally knocks the table.

*Thud*

Bobby has fallen from his perch and is flat on his back with his legs in the air on the floor of the cage. Vegeta looks and whistles 'Another one bites the dust'

Vegeta: "So, what's next?"

Goku: "It's now time for us to take a look through the windows."

Vegeta: "Peeping Tom!!"

Goku: "Not that sort of window, Vegeta. These are our 'special' magic windows."

Vegeta: (cocks an eyebrow) "You know there are days when I really wonder about you, Kakarot."

Goku: "So which window shall we look through today boys and girls?"

Vegeta: (looks around) "What window?"

Camera takes in a shot of the 3 windows.

Vegeta: "You have got to be kidding me...."

Goku: "Shall it be the round window, the square window or the arched window?"

Vegeta: (mutters) "Why not the 10th story window?"

Goku: "Hmmm I think the arched window."

Vegeta: "Huh? Why the arched one?"

Goku: "Why not?"

Vegeta: "What have you got against round?"

Goku: "Nothing, it's just that..."

Vegeta: "Or square for that matter?"

Goku: "I like both the round and the square."

Vegeta: "So why not look through one of them?"

Goku: "Because it's the arched window's turn."

Vegeta: "Who says? You keep on asking these boys and girls yet I don't see any brats around."

Goku: "That's because they aren't here."

Vegeta: "Ahh, now I know for sure you're losing it."

Goku: (getting frustrated) "The boys and girls are out there in T.V. land. They can see us, but we can't see them."

Vegeta: "So it's like a 2 way mirror type thingy?"

Goku: (smacks head) "Why me? why me?"

Vegeta: "Heh,heh, heh"

Goku: "Can we discuss this later and get back to the script?"

Vegeta: "Sure, no problem."

Goku: "Now where were we?"

Vegeta: "About to look through the square window."

Goku: "That's right. Let's see what we can find when we look through the square window."

Camera focuses on square window and slowly zooms in. Then...

* Aghhhhh !!!*

Vegeta's face jumps up on the other side of the square window.

Vegeta: "Ha ha ha. Scared you all."

Goku: "Vegeta!!!"

Vegeta: (sarcastically) "Oops.... Sorry, Did I frighten you?"

Goku: "Sorry girls and boys. We should be looking through the arched window."

Camera swings to the arched window, the screen blurs out then re focuses on a shot with a chibi Vegeta in a pet shop. Chibi Vegeta is trying to decide between a hamster or a ferret.

Vegeta: "Hey, I remember that."

Goku: "You should, it's you."

Voice over: "Today Chibi Vegeta is visiting the pet shop to buy a new pet."

Film shows Chibi Vegeta deciding on the ferret.

C Vegeta: "I'll take the ferret thanks."

Store keeper: "Would you like me to wrap it for you?"

C Vegeta: "Errr...No, in a box will be fine."

Nappa: "Hey Vegeta, have a look at this."

Nappa is watching a white mouse running non stop in a mouse wheel.

Nappa: "Cute hey?"

C Vegeta: (shudders) "To each his own."

Nappa: "I could watch him all day."

C Vegeta: "Simple things amuse simple minds."

Store keeper: "Errr... excuse me but your ferret is ready."

Chibi Vegeta and Nappa collect the box and begin to leave the shop.

Store keeper: "Oi! Hang on a minute, you haven't paid for him."

Voice over: "You must always remember to pay for things."

C Vegeta: "Oh I am sorry. Nappa, pay the man."

Nappa: "Sure thing."

Chibi Vegeta walks out of the shop carrying the box oblivious to the 'flash' that occurs seconds later.

Nappa: "Shall we head back to the ship now Vegeta?"

C Vegeta: "Good idea then I can get Frank here settled."

Nappa: "Frank?"

C Vegeta: "Yes, Frank the ferret."

Voice over: "So the young prince and his 'friend' go back to their space ship to settle Frank into his new home."

The camera blur's out again and then re focuses on Goku and Vegeta in the studio.

Goku: "Well that was interesting, wasn't it boys and girls?"

Vegeta : "Not really."

Goku: "A trip to the shop is always interesting."

Vegeta: "Brings back too many painful memories for me."

Goku: (cocks head) "Oh, Why?"

Vegeta: "That's my business."

Goku: "Aww.. come on please share."

Vegeta: "Must you pry Kakarot?"

Goku: "I must... I must."

Vegeta: "Well....."

Goku: (Rests chin in hands) "Yes? Yes?"

Vegeta: "Let's say whatever I get from the shop doesn't last very long."

Goku: "Oh."

Vegeta: (dreamy look) "Poor Frank."

Goku: (raises an eyebrow) "What happened to Frank?"

Vegeta: "Frank went exploring."

Goku: "And...."

Vegeta: "He found his way into the conduit pipes that contained the electrical wiring of the ship."

Goku: "Uh oh....."

Vegeta: "Suffice to say one fried ferret and melted electrical system later, we crashed on a remote planet."

Goku: "Well I never knew that."

Vegeta: "It's not something you go around telling everyone you know."

Goku: "No I guess not."

Vegeta: "It's a bit embarrassing."

Goku: "Yes I can see your point, you really wouldn't want everyone to know that the mighty saiya-jin prince was brought crashing down by a simple ferret."

Vegeta: "No I wouldn't so don't even think about it Kakarot!"

Goku: (waves hand dismissively) "Don't need to worry about me Vegeta, you have already done that yourself."

Vegeta: "Huh?"

Goku: "Remember the cameras?"

Vegeta: "They aren't?"

Goku: "They are."

Vegeta: "They didn't."

Goku: "They did."

Vegeta: (smacks head on table) "Agghhh! I'm screwed.... I'm screwed...."

Goku: (puts hand on Vegeta's shoulder) "There, there. Don't let it worry you."

Vegeta: "But what about my image?"

Goku: "At least people know you have a caring heart under that granite exterior."

Vegeta: "But I don't have a caring heart."

Goku: "It's okay to let people know you have feelings."

Vegeta: (growls) "I have an image to protect here Kakarot. I show no emotion. I am a...."

Goku: "Soft lump of marshmallow that cares about others?"

Vegeta: (distracted) "Yeah a soft lump of marsh..... Hang on! No I'm not!"

Vegeta whirls around and runs to another section of the set where Big Ted, little Ted, Jemima and Hannibal are all sitting.

Goku: "Vegeta!!!!"

Vegeta: "Yes?"

Vegeta sidles up to Big Ted.

Goku: (walking over slowly) "Now let's talk about this."

Vegeta: "I'm through talking, Kakarot."

Vegeta suddenly makes a dive and grabs Big Ted in a head lock.

Goku: "Oh no!"

Vegeta: "Stay back... I'm warning you."

Goku: (Gasps) "Vegeta, I beg you, think about what you are doing. Think about the consequences."

Vegeta raises his eyes and cocks his head in thought for a moment.

Vegeta: "To hell with the consequences."

He tightens the head lock

Goku: "Now let's calm down and see if we can't work something out here."

Vegeta: "I am not weak!! I am a tough invincible warrior!! And I will prove it!"

Goku: "Huh?"

Vegeta turns and runs to the other end of the studio where on a large table there sits a PC, printer, fax and a ... 

PAPER SHREDDER!!!

Goku:" Agghhhh!!!!"

Vegeta: (manically) "HA..HA..HA.."

Vegeta switches on the paper shredder and holds Big Ted above it. Big Ted's glassy eyes stare out in silent appeal.

Goku: "Don't do it, I beg you, don't do it."

Vegeta: "I'm warning you.... stay away."

Goku: "But' Vegeta."

Vegeta: "Stay back or the bear gets it!"

Goku: "Think about what you are about to do."

Vegeta: "I have."

Goku: "Wow that was quick."

Vegeta: "Why waste time?"

Goku: "Good point."

Vegeta dangles Big Ted a bit closer to the shredder.

Vegeta: "So, who is the strongest, most ruthless warrior in the universe?"

Goku: (scratches head) "Is this a trick question?"

Vegeta: (smacks head) "I don't believe this!"

Goku: (hops from one foot to the other) "Ummm... don't tell me... Ummm... I know this one...."

Vegeta lowers Big Ted's ears towards the shredder. Big Ted sends out a mute appeal for help.

Goku: "Awww.. gimme a hint... please???"

Vegeta: (rolls eyes) "Really Kakarot you are pathetic."

Goku: "Why Thanks."

Vegeta: "It's not a compliment."

Goku: "It isn't?"

Vegeta: (mutters) "Gimme strength. Last chance Kakarot. Tell me now who is the strongest warrior in the universe?"

Goku: "......."

Vegeta: "Okay, time's up. The bear gets it."

Goku: "Noooo!!!!"

Goku makes a desperate lunge at Vegeta. Vegeta dodges and drops Big Ted......

Whirrrr...whizz....bang....shunk...ping...

As Big Ted is slowly swallowed by the shredder so bits of fluffy stuffing and brown fur pile up in the waste basket below. Vegeta stands to one side, arms folded, evil smirk on his face. Goku moves slowly towards the basket. He turns the shredder off and dips his hand into the basket. He brings his hand up clutching something. He opens his hand and stares at the palm where one slightly scratched glass eye is nestled.

Goku: *sob* "Why Vegeta? Why? Big Ted never did anything to you."

Vegeta: (smirks) "To prove a point."

Goku: "And what might that be?"

Vegeta: "That only the most fiercest warrior would dare destroy such a popular, much loved icon."

Goku: *sob* "Big Ted.... I'm sorry... I should have saved you..."

Vegeta: "It could have been worse."

Goku: "How?"

Vegeta: "Could have been Jemima."

Goku: "Mind you, she could do with a face lift."

Vegeta: "I can arrange that."

Goku: "Ark! No. Vegeta, don't you dare!"

Vegeta chuckles and makes a dive to grab Jemima. Goku jumps him and the two begin to wrestle on the floor. Camera swings to the producer.

Producer: "Cut!! Cut!! Come on guys, break it up."

Cameraman: "Err... should we go to a commercial break?"

Producer: "Ummm... Yes, I think we had better."

* * *  
tbc...


	3. Chapter 3

Part 3

 

Camera scan's around set, Goku is on one side of the set with Jemima, Hannibal and Little Ted all clutched tightly to him. Vegeta is on the other side, arms folded, in his classic pose, smirking at Goku.

Vegeta: "You can't protect them all the time you know."

Goku: "That's what you think!"

Vegeta: "You have to sleep."

Goku: "Yeah well....."

Vegeta: "When you least expect it, I will be there."

Goku: (sighs) "May I suggest a truce?"

Vegeta: (raises eyebrows) "A truce?"

Goku: "Yes. You agree to leave the rest of the toys alone and I will err........."

Vegeta: "You will what, Kakarot?"

Goku: "Umm... Let you read the story?"

Vegeta: (groans) "That's not much of a trade."

Goku: "Well that's the best I can do at the moment."

Vegeta: "Hmm... maybe."

Goku: "How about I throw in making some fishies as well?"

Vegeta scratches his chin and contemplates this last offer.

Vegeta: "Let's see if I understand this right. I get to read the story and make some fishies if I leave the 'toys' alone?"

Goku: "That's right."

Vegeta: "Hmmmm... What about a song?"

Goku: (exasperated) "If you want to do a song as well then that's fine with me. Just leave the toys alone!"

Vegeta: (chuckles) "Nahhh. Forget the song."

Goku: "So, no song now?"

Vegeta: "Okay, you got a deal. I get to make fishies and read the story."

Goku: "And you wont touch the toys?"

Vegeta: "I wont touch the toys."

Goku: "Okay then."

Goku turns and takes the toys back to their part of the set. He sits them all down in chairs around a table.

Goku: "There you go guys, you can all sit there and relax, you're safe now."

Vegeta: "Sure, have a party guys!"

Goku: "Don't be so heartless, Vegeta. They have just lost one of their dearest friends."

Vegeta: "So... make it into a wake then."

Goku: "I think I will pretend I didn't hear that."

Vegeta: "So what's first, the fishies or the story?"

Goku: "The fishies. We have to get things set up for the story."

Vegeta: "Oh kay then, let's go."

Goku and Vegeta move across the studio to a large table that has some paper bags, material scraps, pens, sticky tape, string and stapler on it.

Vegeta: (suspiciously) "What's this?"

Goku: "This is how we make fishies, Vegeta."

Vegeta; (opens eyes wide in disbelief) "Errr....."

Goku: "Awww come on, its fun."

Vegeta: "Okay then, what do we do?"

Goku: "Right girls and boys you can do this at home as well. All you need is what you can see here."

Goku waves his hand across the table indicating the items.

Vegeta: "So what's first?"

Goku: "Firstly you pick up a paper bag."

They both pick up a paper bag

Goku: "Then you take a pen and draw an eye on either side of the bag."

Vegeta draws a couple of really big eyes.

Goku: "Then we take the material scraps and 'stuff' the bag with them leaving some room so we can scrunch up the paper into a tail."

Vegeta 'stuffs' his fish then crumples the end up a bit.

Goku: "Then we staple the tail so the insides can't escape. "

Vegeta concentrates hard on stapling the tail

Goku: "Then take a length of string and sticky tape it to the top and 'voila', we have a fishy..."

(use your imaginations here guys!!)

Vegeta manages to get the sticky tape off his fingers, spandex, table, armor, hair and eventually onto the string and fish.

Goku: "Oh well done Vegeta!"

Vegeta holds up his fishy

Vegeta: "Easy!"

Goku: "Lets go hang them up over there."

Goku walks over to where a back drop of the ocean is and 'ties' his fish to a length of string slung between 2 poles. The fish then 'dangles' down and looks like it is swimming in the ocean.

Vegeta: "Hey that's pretty cool."

Goku: "Not bad eh? Here, I'll put yours up."

Goku takes Vegeta's fish and ties it up along side his. They both sway gently in the breeze.

Goku: "We know a song about fish don't we Vegeta?"

Vegeta: "We do?"

Goku: "Yes."

Vegeta: "I thought we weren't going to worry about the song bit?"

Goku: "Well I thought maybe we would sing a song after all."

Vegeta: "Talk about change things to suit yourself."

Goku: "Yeah well all's fair in love and war."

Vegeta: "War? Who said there was a war?"

Goku: "There isn't."

Vegeta: "Well why say there is?"

Goku: "Its just a saying, you know a figure of speech... oh look forget it."

Vegeta is looking kind of 'lost'"

Goku: "Let's get on with the song"

Vegeta: (grudgingly) "If we must."

*Piano music springs up*

Vegeta suddenly jumps into a fighting stance.

Vegeta: "Eek! What's that?"

Goku: "It's just the piano music, Vegeta"

Vegeta: "But where's it coming from?"

Goku: (scratches head) "Errr.. I'm not really sure."  
"  
Vegeta: (looks around) "Well I can't see anyone playing a piano."

Goku: "Come to think of it, neither can I."

Vegeta: "You've got to admit it's a little freaky!"

Goku: "I'm sure that there is an explanation for it."

Vegeta: "Well I would sure like to hear it."

Goku looks around the studio, he moves over to one side and pulls aside a curtain to reveal.... A technician with all his electrical bits in front of him.

Goku: "Hi there."

Tech:" Hello."

Goku: "Are you the one responsible for the piano?"

Tech: "Yep, I'm the sound guy."

Goku: "See Vegeta, I told you."

Vegeta: "Humph. I still say it's unfair."

Goku: "Huh?"

Vegeta: "Letting the boys and girls think you have a real live person playing the piano when you don't."

Goku: "It's only a minor thing...."

Vegeta: "Maybe to you, but to the rest of us who believed, you have now destroyed that bit of faith."

Goku:" I don't believe I'm hearing this."

Vegeta: "False advertising, that's what this is. We hear piano music and think there's a piano in the studio when really there isn't. Talk about a let down!"

Goku: "Ummm... I never thought about it that way. "

Vegeta: "That's your problem, Kakarot, you don't think."

Goku: (hangs head) "Aww... I'm sorry."

Vegeta: (smirks) "Well I suppose you can't all be perfect like me."

Goku: (choke! choke!) "What about that song now?"

Vegeta glares at the sound technician.

Vegeta: "Okay."

* piano music springs up *

Goku holds his hands up in the air and has curled them into a fist. As he sings so he releases a finger till the entire hands are open.

Goku: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, Once I caught a fish alive."

Vegeta's eyes open wide.

Goku: "6, 7, 8, 9, 10, then I let it go again."

Vegeta's mouth drops.

Goku: "Why did you let him go?"

Vegeta is staring in complete disbelief at Goku.

Goku: "Cause he bit my finger so..."

Vegeta shakes his head

Goku: "Which finger did he bite?"

Vegeta is backing slowly away.

Goku: (wriggles his little finger) "This little finger on my right."

Vegeta pulls out a mobile phone and punches a few numbers into the thing.

Vegeta: "Hello is that the local funny farm? Good. I have a classic case of lost marbles here for you."

Goku: "Come on Vegeta, it's only a song. Why don't you join in? Who knows you may actually have some fun."

Vegeta: "If that's your idea of fun then I think I will pass, thank you."

Goku: "At least it's harmless."

Vegeta: "If it's harmless how can it possibly be fun then?"

Goku: "You don't always have to blow things up you know to have fun."

Vegeta: "Wanna bet?"

Goku: (sigh) "Why do I bother?"

Vegeta: "If singing funny fishy songs is what does it for you then feel free to indulge all you want to Kakarot, Just leave me out of it!"

Goku: "I don't believe all of this over one simple song."

Vegeta: "Like I said, It's not my scene."

Goku: "Aww come on, I've heard you sing before."

Vegeta's eyes narrow suspiciously

Vegeta: "When?"

Goku: (looks around) "In the shower."

Vegeta: "Ark! What were you doing in my shower?"

Goku: (chuckles) "When I called over one day to pick up some training equipment from Bulma, we walked past the bathroom and you were in fine form as I recall."

Vegeta: (looks nervous) "Ummm, what exactly did you hear?"

Goku: (smiles) "Well you were giving a wonderful rendition of 'Rubber Ducky' if I remember correctly."

Vegeta goes bright red.

Goku: "You weren't all that bad either. So, shall we sing?"

Vegeta: (growls) "I suppose so."

Goku: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, Once I caught a fish alive."

Vegeta: "6, 7, 8, 9, 10, Then I chucked it back again."

Goku: (frowning) "Why did you let it go?"

Vegeta: (glares) "'Cause it sank its teeth into my finger so."

Goku: (Glares back) "Which finger did it bite?"

Vegeta: (snarls) "The stupid little finger on my right!"

Goku: "There, that wasn't so hard now was it?"

Vegeta: (huffs) "Alright for some."

Goku: "I don't know why I bother trying to get you to loosen up and have some fun."

Vegeta: "I prefer to make my own fun."

Goku: (sings)" Rubber ducky, you're the one..."

Vegeta, a face like thunder turns and looks daggers at Goku.

Vegeta: "Kakarot, I'm warning you."

Goku: "Rubber ducky...."

Vegeta: "Jemima WILL be next."

Goku shuts up.

Vegeta: "Thank you. Now let's move along shall we?"

Goku: "Okay then. So, boys and girls, do you know what's next on Saiya-jin School?"

*tick...tock...tick...tock...tick...tock...*

Vegeta: "Quick! Everybody out!"

Goku and the crew all look up rather startled.

Vegeta: "Out ! Out! Out! Evacuate! Sound the alarms..."

Goku: "Calm down Vegeta. Why should we leave?"

Vegeta: "There's a bomb, a bomb in the studio."

Goku: (giggles) "No there isn't."

Vegeta: "Yes there is. I could hear it."

Goku: "Hear what?"

Vegeta: "The ticking. I could hear the bomb ticking."

Goku: "Where?"

Vegeta: "Shh everyone and just listen."

*tick...tock...tick...tock...tick...tock...*

Vegeta; "Agh!! There you go!!"

Vegeta begins to run around panicking.

Goku taps Vegeta on the shoulder.

Goku: "Err... Vegeta. That's not a bomb you hear."

Vegeta: (stands still) " It isn't?"

Goku: "No"

Vegeta: "Then what is it then?"

Goku: "It's the clock."

Vegeta: "The clock?"

Goku: "Yes, the clock."

Vegeta: "He he he, I knew that."

Goku: (sigh) "Let's clean up this mess in the studio then we can go look at the clock and have our story."

Vegeta: "What? Oh yes... sure thing."

Vegeta sheepishly begins to help Goku restore some sort of order to the studio.

~ * ~   
tbc...


	4. Chapter 4

Vegeta and Goku have tidied up the studio and once more *normality * has returned.

Goku: "Well boys and girls, it's time for our story."

Vegeta: "And I'm telling the story so I had better go and get ready."

Vegeta smirks at the camera then moves off screen.

Goku: "While Vegeta is getting ready to read the story what do we do boys and girls?"

Goku looks questioningly at the camera.

Goku: "Here's a hint..... "

*tick...tock....tick....tock....tick....tock...*

Goku: "No it's not a bomb like silly Vegeta thought, It's the clock. That's right boys and girls, before we read the story we have to look at the clock."

Vegeta: "Says who?"

Goku: "'Cause that's how it's done."

Vegeta: "Why?"

Goku: (getting irritated) "Just for once shut up and take my word for it, okay."

Vegeta: (shrugs shoulders) "Fine, if you want to go through life without questioning the unquestionable then that's fine with me."

Goku glares at Vegeta, Vegeta moves away.

Camera swings across to the clock which is tick, tocking quite happily, completely oblivious to all that is going on around it.

Goku: "So, what time is it on the rocket clock today?"

Camera moves in for a close up of the clock face.

Goku: "Let's see now, the big hand is pointing straight up to the 12 so that means it's something o'clock."

A muffled groan from Vegeta can be heard in the background.

Goku: "And the little hand is pointing to the 7 so that must mean it's 7 o'clock."

Vegeta: (in background) "Give the man a lollypop!"

Goku: "So boys and girls, it's 7 o'clock on the rocket clock on Saiya-jin school."

Vegeta: (looks at the ceiling) "Einstein you have nothing to worry about...."

Goku: "Let's see what's behind the clock shall we?"

Vegeta: (sarcastically) "Oh what a good idea."

Music springs up as the clock turns around to reveal a tin of beans, a cow, a little boy, a cat and a mean looking black colored jelly baby.

Goku: "Hmmm, so what have we here then? It all looks quite interesting. I wonder what the story is going to be about?"

Camera cuts across to where Vegeta is reclining comfortably in a lounge type chair with a big book in his hands.

Vegeta: "Today's story is called "Jack and the Beanstalk" girls and boys."

Vegeta holds the book up so that the camera can see it, then opening up the book he begins to read......

Vegeta: "Once upon a time there was this brat called Jack who lived with a whining, complaining woman. All Jack wanted to do was train hard and become the strongest warrior in the universe so he could beat the crap out of anyone that dared to cross him. But the woman kept nagging at him to get a proper job so they could eat and pay the bills.” 

“One day when Jack was busy training, the woman came out and told him to take the cow to the market and sell it for whatever he could get so they could buy some food. Jack took the cow, grumbling about his wasted training time, and set off for the market."

"On the way to the market he was jumped by the notorious bandits known as "Yamcha's Yokels". It was a fierce battle and somehow Jack managed to survive, but by the time the smoke had cleared the cow had bolted and Jack found himself all alone in the road. Then something to his left glinted in the sunlight. Jack strolled over and bending down picked up a couple of beans. He looked at them and then slipped them into his pocket and turned for home. No point in chasing after the cow he thought, it had probably hooked up with the dish and the spoon by now. Needless to say when he got home the woman wasn't very happy to hear he had got into a fight and gave him a full on lecture."

Goku: "Are you sure you are reading that from the book?"

Vegeta: "Errr... well mostly."

Goku: "It's just that it doesn't sound quite the same as what I remember."

Vegeta: "Well I may have changed the odd bit and piece."

Goku: "Do you mind sticking to the original plot as much as possible?"

Vegeta: "Humph.. You're no fun at all. Look, you said I could read the story, so but out and let me do it.... "(whispers) *My way*

Goku: "Ummm.... Okay. But try to keep as close to the plot as possible."

Vegeta: "Aww alright then, but no promises."

Vegeta continues the story......

"As Jack lay awake, his body aching from the numerous cuts, bruises and damage he had got in the fight, he thought he may as well eat the beans. So he reached into his pocket and pulled one out and crunched it up. It tasted okay and then as the bean hit his empty stomach it felt as though liquid fire went through his body and instantly he was healed. Now Jack, not normally your sharpest tool in the shed, had a very rare brainwave. He thought if he planted the other bean then he could grow his own bean tree and harvest the resulting beans for himself."

"Then he could either sell the beans and make an incredibly wicked profit and be rich beyond his wildest dreams or keep them all for himself and it wouldn't matter how hurt or sick he got they would restore his health immediately."

Goku: "Vegeta....."

Vegeta: "Alright..... I will stick to the story......"

"So he planted the bean and went to bed. The next day there was this huge beanstalk outside his window, so being the fearless chap he was, Jack climbed up the beanstalk to see what lay beyond. About half way up he came to a tower. He looked around but couldn't see anyone about. 'I wonder who's place this is?' he thought to himself. Just then he passed a doorway that had a sign above it that read "Korins Tower" 'Must be Korin's place.' he thought. With that a fat white cat came out and looking Jack up and down asked who he was. 'I'm Jack. Who are you?' "Korin" was the reply. Off to one side Jack could see a guy dragging what looked to be a reluctant cow into the back of the building. He scratched his head and turned back to Korin who was now playing a fiddle. Jack shook his head... a nightmare, that's what this was, a nightmare."

"Suddenly Jack lunged at the cat and pinning him to the ground asked where the beanstalk went to and what did he know about the magic beans? The cat, being a real wimp, "spilled the beans" and told Jack everything he knew about the 'sensu' beans. He also told him that the beanstalk continued up to another tower where a really important person lived. Jack let go of the cat and once more resumed his upward climb."

Goku: (cough) "Just where did you get that book from?"

Vegeta: "From the bookshelf... why?"

Goku: "Oh no particular reason....."

Vegeta: (looks innocent) "All I do is read the thing."

Goku: "Well seeing as how we have come this far you may as well finish reading it."

Vegeta: (smirks) "Why thank you oh kind co-host."

Goku: "No need to be sarcastic."

Vegeta: "Three cheers for Kakarot, he actually managed to recognize sarcasm."

Goku: "Do you think you could get back to the story now?"

Vegeta: (sighs) "Oh I suppose so."

Vegeta continues with his *narration*

"After much climbing Jack felt the air getting thinner along with the beanstalk and at last he reached yet another funny shaped platform thing stuck in the middle of nowhere. Putting it down to altitude sickness he jumped off the beanstalk and looked around. The tiles were highly polished and the palms well cared for. Jack heard a noise up ahead and so went to investigate. he sneaked a peek around the side of a column and spied a wrinkly green thing talking to a round, fat, black guy; at their feet were 7 golden globes."

"Wow these guys must be good if they have won 7 golden globe awards, thought Jack, and then he realized they weren't awards. He listened as the black guy spoke, something about the globes being dragon balls and summoning a dragon to grant a wish. Jack knew then that he had to have those dragon balls at any cost. They would be the answer to all his problems. He hid and waited till the two guys had left the area, then he snuck in and gathered the balls up, stuffing them in his jacket, in pockets, in fact anywhere they would fit so he could carry them. Then he headed back to the beanstalk. He was nearly there when the cow betrayed him by suddenly jumping over the moon and scaring the daylights out of him causing one of the dragon balls to slide down his trouser leg and hit the floor with a thump. This alerted the 2 beings to his presence and the usual "run around chasing each other" thing occurred. At last Jack manages to shimmy down the beanstalk and when he finally gets to the bottom, gives one huge karate chop and severs the stalk from its base. This in turn caused the black dude and wrinkles to wish they had done more flying practice before they were buried several kilometers into the earth and covered with rock, rubble and rotting vegetation."

"The woman came out of the house to see what the commotion was and let fly with a tirade of abuse. Jack meanwhile, summoned the dragon, wished for and was granted immortality. The dragon also took pity on Jack, deciding after 5 minutes that it couldn't stand the woman's voice anymore and allowed Jack a second wish. This ensured that the woman was sent to join wrinkles and black boy in their journey to the center of the earth. Jack meanwhile continued to train hard, get stronger and with the immortality became the strongest fighter in the universe. The End."

Vegeta shuts the book and sits back looking smug.

Goku: "I still say there's something wrong with that story."

Vegeta: "I don't see what. The good guys still win and the bad guys get theirs."

Goku: "I realize that, but it still has a funny twist in there somewhere."

Vegeta: "Don't let it bother you, Kakarot."

Goku: (scratches head) "Oh well I suppose not. Vegeta: Why is that guy over there making funny gestures?"

Goku: "He's telling us it's time to wind up."

Vegeta: "Wind up? I'm not a toy you know."

Goku: "Not that sort. He means it's time to bring the show to a close."

Vegeta: "Oh, okay then. Huh? What was that?"

Vegeta has seen something out of the corner of his eye.

Goku: "Where?"

Vegeta: "Over there, oh look, it's the missing mouse.... come 'ere Mickey...... "

Vegeta takes off after Mickey sending the studio 'props' flying and blowing small holes in things as he tries to catch Mickey.

Goku: "Well girls and boys we have had a lot of fun on Saiya-jin School today haven't we?"

* Whoosh *

Vegeta flies past in the background.

Goku: "But all good things must come to an end, so it's time for us to say goodbye."

* Squeak *

Mickey is perched upon Jemima's head. Vegeta is taking aim. Goku turns and sees what's about to happen.

Goku: (hastily) "So till next time, bye bye boys and girls, be good."

Goku waves then desperately flings himself across the studio set to try to stop Vegeta.

* Zap * * Squeak *

Goku: "Aghhh!!!!"

Mickey: "Squeak !!!!"

Vegeta: "Blast !! Missed. Come back you rodent."

Goku: *sob* "Jemima... oh no, Jemima. I know you didn't have the best looking face but at least it was a face....."

Goku picks up Jemima's 'body' that now has a neat hole where the face used to be......

*Music springs up*

Camera slowly pulls backwards from the scene of Goku with Jemima in his hands and Vegeta chasing Mickey...... school house picture appears and the door shuts...... shot fades into blackness..........

 

And that was the last episode in the current series of Saiya-jin School. Next week we have a whole new drama series coming to the screen so stay tuned for excerpts of next weeks show.......

~ FIN ~

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Humphrey B Bear and Fat Cat are characters that appear on Channel 7 here in West Aussie where I live. Recently the television 'powers that be' decided that Humphrey B Bear would have to go as he didn't fit in with all the new 'political correctness' and could be harmful to young children's minds - only because he didn't wear pants!


End file.
